The deadlines for study-abroad programs will be coming up before you know it. And the good stuff in England and Australia is gonna fill up fast. So why not start learning another language? I picked up a nice German phrase book from the 1960s –“Instant German: The Follett Vest-Pocket Conversation Guide” – and I’m pretty sure it has every phrase a traveler needs, and then some. Here are some sample phrases from this fine book (along with some contexts in which you could use them) so you can start learning “the awful German language” right away.
“Wollen Sie bitte mit Creme nachspüllen?” – “Could I have a cream rinse?”
I honestly have no idea what a cream rinse is, but I don’t think it’s something you want to ask for when you’re sitting down to brunch in a nice suit.
“Wir möchten gern Abendessen auf deutsche Art haben.” – “We should like to have dinner German style.”
“Well, you could start by changing your suit, as we consider it impolite over here to eat dinner with huge cream stains on your clothes.”
“Können Sie mir den Weg zum Damen-Unkleideraum zeigen?” – “Can you show me to the women’s changing room?”
“You’re planning to change that soiled suit in the women’s dressing room, sir? Is that all you’re going to do in there, creep?” “Gibt es eine Stelle wo man Pferde mieten kann?” – “Is there a place where we can rent some horses?”
I’m pretty sure that back in the 60s, horses were the primary mode of transport in the more backward parts of East Germany. But in present-day Deutschland, electric, emissions-free transportation is the norm, so I typically replace every instance of “Pferd” I find in this book with “Smart Car.”
“Schlagt dieses [Smart Car] aus?” – “Does this [Smart Car] kick?”
The book doesn’t provide the most common response to this question, but it translates as “What are you smoking and how can I get some?”
“Stillen Sie die Blutung!” – “Stop the bleeding!”
“Dammit, you said this one doesn’t kick! Why the hell did I change into a white suit for this? Now everybody’s gonna see the tire tracks and bloodstains and think I’m some kind of crazy masochist who gets his kicks from having compact automobiles kick him in the shins!”
“Gibt es eine Stelle wo man Fahrräder mieten kann?” – “Is there a place where we can rent some bicycles?”
Are you sure you want to bike in this condition? You just ran over your own leg with the Smart Car; the damn thing’s still bleeding out all over the upholstery! If you want to crawl to the bike rental shop across the street, I won’t stop you, but at least put some gauze on that leg first.
“Achtung! Vorsicht!” – “Watch out! Careful!”
“Would it kill you to be a little more careful? You’re bleeding all over my nice bikes!”
“Es handelt sich um eine alte amerikanische Sitte.” – “It’s an old American custom.”
“Oh, it’s an old American custom to rub your bloody legs all over my bicycle seat while slamming the gearshift levers back and forth like a compulsive gambler at a penny slot machine? You Yanks are sick freaks, you know that?”
“Ich fürchte, ich habe den Gang im Getreibe kaputt gemacht.” – “I’m afraid I’ve stripped my gears.”
“Wie sagt man ‘this crazy rumor about my antics in a women’s changing room sure has travelled fast” auf Deutsch?” – Self-explanatory.